How I Normalized the Idea of Rejection

I would describe rejection as this big, scary monster that can instantly hurt you when you meet it. Many people freeze just at the thought that this monster might come visiting. They are often afraid to open the doors of opportunity just because they are afraid to be scratched, hit, or completely eaten alive by this terrible monster.

My encounters with the rejection monster

The rejection monster has been on my tail all my life. I do feel paralyzed, I tremble, I hesitate, I make mistakes out of fear, I procrastinate, postpone my dreams or do anything that will distract me from reaching those doors of opportunity, afraid of the risk of encountering the rejection monster once again. I first met him when I was a child. Back then, I didn’t understand the toll that this monster will have on my life; I didn’t know why I was being hurt by it and how to treat the wounds that it was inflicting. Those wounds stayed untreated for years until I had no more spots in my emotional system that it could hurt and I had reached saturation. At one point I was done with being rejected. I was done with seeing this awful monster!

I was done, but so what?  Rejection will not stop coming just because I don’t want to acknowledge it! I would have to tame this monster, or at least learn to negotiate with it.

After experiencing rejection in many shapes and colors during my childhood, at school, at work, in the dating world, and basically in any area of my life, I realized that rejection is part of life.  There is no single person on Earth that hasn’t been rejected some way or another at some point in life! So why does rejection hurt so much? Why does it still bother us, sometimes even years after it happened?

A sales perspective of rejection

There are certain jobs where rejection is part of the day-to-day responsibilities, such as consultancy/sales, politics, client service, etc In sales rejection is seen as feedback that can be transformed into opportunity and it can have two potential next steps going forward:

• Something needs to be improved in the offer. This way, you can meet both your client’s and your company’s needs. If negotiations are constructive, then rejection becomes just an indicator for the next step you need to take.
• Maybe it’s a mismatch. This can just mean that the company and the client want different things and it’s better if they go their different ways.

These two examples can easily be applied in real life. We can’t possibly accept all the offers that are coming to us, especially in our personal life. We are entitled to say no, just like other people have the right to refuse when we offer something to them. I realized that I can’t possibly accept all romantic date invitations, all the products/ services, or all the experiences that were offered to me.

Where can the rejection trigger begin?

Seeing the scary monster of rejection can be linked back to our relationship with boundaries formed during our childhood. This creature comes to life every time limits are either non-exitent or set incorrectly. To avoid the monster, the boundaries need to be set at the „just right” temperature, not too cold, not too hot.

How parents set boundaries with their children is very important for the development of the child. There is a thin line between positive rejection and negative rejection. When parents set healthy limits and explain clearly that they are not rejecting the child, then the child gets used to the idea of being rejected. He knows that he has to follow the rules and the parents saying „no” doesn’t mean they are rejecting him. When it’s the other way around, and the child experiences negative rejection from the parents, then the child is affected all the way to his adulthood. Parents that ignore, make fun of, don’t spend time with the child or just don’t set healthy household rules are raising an insecure future adult.

What rejection means to me now

After weeks of reflection, I realized that I need to redefine the way I perceive rejection. I realized that rejection:

• is a part of life
• can be a valid response to my offering, which I can choose to accept or change it, but not dwell on
• it can make me a better person and help me grow/learn
• is something to feel grateful for, as it guarded me against potential mismatches
• is an indicator that I need to heal something within myself; the moment it physically hurts I need to look within
• is not as scary as I grew up thinking, as long as I never reject myself and always know my own worth. 
• if it’s done aggressively, I need to have the tools to properly defend myself

How can I make use of rejection in my life

I decided to integrate rejection into my life, as something natural. I also made sure had tools to not let it overtake me under any circumstance. See below a nice addition about how to practice emotional first aid.

7 ways to practice emotional first aid